Empty Can

*this might be the most depressive shit I've ever written haha*

======

August, 2022

#1

People's life looks much cooler on Instagram, doesn't it? At least that's what I thought these days. It has always been a never-ending struggle to feel content with my daily life while seeing other's perfect life on social media.

That feeling doesn't come every day, I know, but when it hits me, I just can't relax. There's an urge to compare their fancy life to mine even though I know there's no use.

It also makes me wonder, what are we trying to prove through our Instagram stories or posts? To whom do we seek validation? Why do some of us overshare?

Well, we can post anything we want to. Anything, as long as it doesn't violate the T&C. I do agree that we can only control what we can control. It is not our job to please anyone online nor be responsible for posting something that we like (I guess).

I always think that we should think deeply about what we wanna share with others. Which part do we should keep for ourselves? And which part is for the public?

Lemme write good words from Jurassic World's star, Bryce Dallas Howard, about her private life in TED's Spotify podcast.

"A private life makes the public life worth living. Cheryl (Bryce's mom) saw that well that fame came with many blessings, there was an impact and a potential cost living ur life in the public.

Bcz cultivating a private life is precious. It's secret. Its value its inherent in what you dont share. what u withhold and for whom.

The world is now one big-small town. But within that virtual square there are tear of relationships. Decrease of intimacy. And everyone deserve a different amount of you, a different side. Now where those boundaries lie, its up to u. But in order to make those decisions, we must all be our own protectors. Bcs its tempting to think that the more I share, the more ways u have to connect with me.

But theres a specialness knowing tht whenever I share with my husband, my kids, or my bestfriends, its just for them. And no one else. Without that inner circle, we're left with shallowness and a void for known--for never truly known; even to ourselves. Living in public asks us to be brave and bold. But preserving a private life empowers us to take those chances."

Every time Bryce wants to post something, she will wait for 48 hours to think whether she should post it or not. This method allows her to be present and more intimate with her lovely people before sharing the moment with the public. And asking what's the purpose? How does it serve the people she love?

Your true value is measured by the reaches of your private life. The peace of you that only a select few or perhaps only u has access to. Bcs the legacy we create in private is as powerful and lasting as any public accolade. Perhaps even more so.

#2

Enjoying life is pretty much like an auto-pilot car lately. Wake up, check the phone (and nothing much there, just some work-related stuff), sweep the floor, clean the dishes, and work overtime. During holidays (mine isn't always on weekend), we feel guilty because all we do is just lie on the bed, scrolling the reels, and forget the to-do list we made earlier.

They say, get a life, go out or make new friends or engage in new activities. But don't we all need this boring phase because that's part of life?

Also, I think I find myself, at some point, enjoying the solitude but feeling lonelier than ever. Is it because of the absence of my people? Do I really have someone to rely on?

The answer is yes, I do have my support system, my small circles. But sometimes I just don't want to bother them with my problems--a cliche reason, I know. I also think, do I try too much to keep people in my life (in Balinese I called it cang gen ne tuyuh or in Indonesian cuma aku yang capek berusaha)?

Once, I read something about INFJ on Pinterest. They said that INFJ people tend to be loyal and give their all, but sometimes don't get the same in return. Well, it is rude to say that others only take my genuine act for granted tho, especially my close friends. I know they treat me well.

In general, I just feel unseen sometimes.

I am worried that this kind of loneliness would kill me if it becomes worse. I tried so hard to define and find the right solution, but it just led me to escape. They said we need to accept the loneliness and that's the problem for me. I just don't know how to be fine with the present. I don't know how to live with it. And sometimes it scared me to the point that I feel anxious. I really hope I don't isolate myself too much.

If the people out there feel the same way, do they think the only way to cure loneliness is by craving the connection through overshared Instagram stories? Seeking for FWB through Bumble? Or--I don't know, maybe looking for a one-night-stand partner to fulfill the physical intimacy instead? Is that what we need?

Just like the quote "No closure is a closure", I think of me being "don't know how to live with it" is just something I need to accept, and no need to force myself to find a way out. At least, I have myself to rely on--I mean when I am alone, I know I will learn more about myself eventually tho.

Might consider asking for professional help if it's getting worse.

Well, lol, I don't know what I'm talking about right now, but I know that we can still be lonely when we also believe You never walk alone. This time Fall Out Boy on their song was right: Let's be alone together.

Anddd, I recommend you to read this magnificent article about 'loneliness' in The Guardian. Or consider Mark Manson's advice:

Have a nice day and don't forget to love yourself, bro.